Some Like It Hot

SomeLikeItHot <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Osgood:Pardonme,Miss.MayI?
Jerry:Helpyourself.
Osgood:I’mOsgoodFieldingIII.
Jerry:(quips)I’mCinderellaII.
Osgood:Ifthere’sonethingIadmire,it’sagirlwitha1)shapelyankle.
Jerry:Metoo.Byebye.
Osgood:Letmecarryoneoftheinstruments.
Jerry:Ohthankyou.Aren’tyouasweetheart.
Osgood:Certainlyis2)delightfulhavingyoungbloodaroundhere.
Jerry:Well,personallyI’mtypeO.
Osgood:Youknow,I’vealwaysbeen3)fascinatedbyshowbusiness.
Jerry:Isthatso?
Osgood:Yes.Asamatteroffact,it’scostmyfamilyquiteabitofmoney.
Jerry:Oh,youinvestinshows?
Osgood:4)Showgirls.I’vebeenmarriedsevenoreighttimes.
Jerry:You’renotsure?
Osgood:Mamaiskeepingscore.Frankly,she’sgettingrather5)annoyedwithme.
Jerry:Wouldn’twonder.
Osgood:SothisyearwhentheGeorgeWhitescandalopened,shepackedmeofftoFlorida.RightnowshethinksI’moutthereonmy6)yacht.Ha,ha,deepseafishing.
Jerry:Well,pullinyourreel,Mr.Fielding.You’re7)barkingupthewrongfish.

SCENE2
JoeisinlovewiththegirlsingerSugar,butshedreamsofmarryingarichman.Sowearingthickspectacles,ayachtingjacketandacapforhisdisguiseasJunior,JoetripsSugarassherunsbywherehesitsonthebeach.

Girls:Two...Three...Four...Five...Six...Seven...
Joe:Hello,I’mterriblysorry.
Sugar:I’mnot.
Joe:You’renothurt,areyou?
Sugar:Idon’tthinkso.
Joe:Iwishyou’dmakesure.
Sugar:Why?
Joe:BecauseusuallywhenpeoplefindoutwhoIam,theygetthemselvesawheelchair,a8)shysterlawyerandsuemeforthreequartersofamilliondollars.
Sugar:Don’tworry,Iwon’t9)sueyounomatterwhoyouare.
Joe:Thankyou.
Sugar:Whoareyou?
Joe:Nowreally.
Jerry:Sugar!Comeon.Honestly.
Joe:Cherrio.
Sugar:Haven’tIseenyousomewherebefore?
Joe:Notverylikely.
Sugar:Youstayingatthehotel?
Joe:Notatall.
Sugar:Yourfaceisfamiliar.
Joe:Possibleyou’veseenitinthenewspapersormagazines.UmmVanityFair.
Sugar:Thatmustbeit.
Joe:Wouldyoumindmovingjustalittleplease?You’re10)blockingmyview.
Sugar:Yourviewofwhat?
Joe:They11)runuparedandwhiteflagontheyachtwhenit’stimefor12)cocktails.
Sugar:Youownayacht?Whichoneisit?Thepinkone?
Joe:Certainlynotwithallthe13)unrestintheworld,Idon’tthinkanybodyshouldhaveayachtthatsleepsmorethan12.

Sugar:Iquiteagree.Tellmewhorunsupthatflag,yourwife?
Joe:No,myflagsteward.
Sugar:Whomixesthecocktails,yourwife?
Joe:No,mycocktail14)steward.Look,ifyou’reinterestedinwhetherIammarriedornot...
Sugar:Oh,I’mnotinterestedatall.
Joe:Well,I’mnot.
Sugar:That’sveryinteresting!
(Jerrycan’tbelievehiseyeswhenherealizesJoeisimpersonatingasamillionairetoSugar.)
Jerry:No!
Joe:Whatisit?Younglady,whatareyoustaringat?Thishappenstomeallthetimeinpublic.
Sugar:Irecognizedhim,too.HispicturewasinVanityFair.
Jerry:VanityFair?!
Joe:Wouldyoumindmovingalong,please?
Sugar:Yes,you’reinhisway-he’swaitingforasignalfromhisyacht.
Jerry:Hisyacht?!
Sugar:Itsleeps12.ThisismyfriendDaphne-she’sa15)Vassargirl.
Jerry:I’mawhat?
Sugar:OrwasitBrynMawr?
Joe:(threatens)IheardaverysadstoryaboutagirlwhowenttoBrynMawr.She16)squealedonherroommateandtheyfoundher17)strangledwithherown18)brassiere!
Jerry:Yes,wehavetobeverycarefulwhomwepickforaroommate.Hmm?
Sugar:Well,IthinkI’dbetterbegoing.
Joe:Itwasdelightfulmeetingyouboth.
Sugar:Youwillcomeandhearusplay?
Joe:Ifit’satallpossible.
Jerry:(quips)Oh,docome,don’tdisappointus-itwillbesuchfun.Andbringyouryacht!
Sugar:Comeon,Daphne.

SCENE3
Backinthehotelroom.

Jerry:Whatareyoutryingtodotothatpoorgirlputtingonamillionaireact?Andwheredidyougetthat19)phonyaccent?Nobodytalkslikethat.Joe,I’veseenyoupullsomelow20)tricksonwomen.Thisiswithoutdoubtthetrickiest,lowestandmeanest...I’mnotafraidofyou.I’mthinbutI’m21)wiry.No,Joe,you’regonnagethurtbecausewhenI’maroused,I’matiger.WhyJoe,don’tlookatmelikethatwhenitwasallajoke,whenIdidn’tmeananyharm.Look,I’mgoingto22)pressthesuitmyself.Telephone!Answerthetelephone.
Joe:Hello.Hello.Yes,thisis415.Shiptoshore?!Alright,I’lltakeit.
Osgood:HelloDaphne,it’sthatnaughtyboyagain.YouknowOsgood,intheelevator.You23)slappedmyface.Whoisthis?
Joe:Thisisherroommate.Daphnecan’ttalkrightnow.Isitanythingurgent?
Osgood:Well,itistome.Willyougiveheramessage?TellherI’dlikehertohavealittlesupperwithmeonmyyachtaftertheshowtonight.
Joe:GotIt.Supper,yacht,aftertheshow.I’lltellher.Youryacht?!
Osgood:TheNewCaledonia--that’sthenameofit.TheOldCaledoniawentdownduringawildpartyoffCapeHateras.Buttellhernottoworry.This’llbeaquietlittlemidnight24)snack.Justthetwoofus.

Joe:Justthetwoofyou?Whataboutthe25)crew?
Osgood:Oh,that’sallbeentakencareof.I’mgivingthemshoreleave.We’llhavealittlecoldpheasantwith26)champagne,andIcheckedwiththeCoastGuardthere’sgoingtobeafullmoontonight.Oh,andtellherI’vegotanew27)batchofRudyValleyrecords.
Joe:That’sgoodthinking.Daphne’sa28)push-overforhim.
Jerry:Push-overforwho?I...
Joe:Shh!Yeah,Mr.Fielding.You’ll29)pickherupaftertheshowinyourmotorboat.Goodbye.What’sthatyousaid?Oh,“Zowee!”I’llgiverherthemessage.
Jerry:Whatmessage?Whatmotorboat?
Joe:Yougotitmadekid.Fieldingwantstohavealittlecold30)pheasantwithyouonhisyacht.
Jerry:Hedoes?
Joe:Justthethreeofyouonthatgreatbigboat,youandhimandRudyValley.
Jerry:Well,fatchance.CallbackandtellhimI’mnotgoing.
Joe:Well,ofcourseyou’renot.
Jerry:Oh.
Joe:I’mgoing.
Jerry:You’regoingtobeontheboatwiththatdirtyoldman?
Joe:No,I’mgoingtobeontheboatwithSugar.
Jerry:Butwhere’shegoingtobe?
Joe:He’sgoingtobeashorewithyou.
Jerry:Withme?
Joe:That’sright!
Jerry:Ohno,nottonight,Josephine.

SCENE4
Sugarissinginginthenightshow.

Sugar:Ionlywanttobelovedbyyou,justyouandnobodyelsebutyou,Iwannabelovedbyyoualone.BooBooBeDo.

SCENE5
Intheirhotelroom,JerrygleefullyreportstoJoeabouthowOsgoodhasproposedmarriageafteranightofliberatingtangodancing.

Jerry:(sings)Olay!
Joe:Jerry,everythingundercontrol?
Jerry:HaveIgotthingstotellyou?
Joe:Whathappened?
Jerry:I’mengaged.
Joe:Congratulations,who’stheluckygirl?
Jerry:Iam.
Joe:What?!
Jerry:Osgood31)proposedtome.We'replanningaJunewedding.
Joe:Whatareyoutalkingabout?Youcan’tmarryOsgood!
Jerry:Youthinkhe’stoooldforme?
Joe:Jerry,youcan’tbeserious.
Jerry:Whynot?Hekeepsmarryinggirlsallthetime.
Joe:Butyou’renotagirl,you’reaguy!Andwhywouldaguywanttomarryaguy?
Jerry:Security.
Joe:Jerry,youbetterliedown.You’renotwell.
Jerry:Willyoustoptreatingmelikeachild?I’mnotstupid,Iknowthere’sproblem.
Joe:I’llsaythereis.
Jerry:Hismother,weneedher32)approval,butI’mnotworriedbecauseIdon’tsmoke.
Joe:Jerry,there’sanotherproblem.Likewhatareyougoingtodoonyourhoneymoon?
Jerry:We’vebeendiscussingthat.HewantstogototheRiviera,butIkindofleantowardsNiagaraFalls.

Joe:Jerry,you’reoutofyourmind!Howareyougoingto33)getawaywiththis?
Jerry:Idon’texpectittolast,Joe.I’lltellhimthetruthwhenthetimecomes.
Joe:Likewhen?
Jerry:Likerightaftertheceremony.
Joe:Oh.
Jerry:Thenwegetaquick34)annul-ment,hemakesanice35)settlementonme,andIkeepgettingthosealimonycheckseverymonth.
Joe:Jerry,Jerry,listentome,listentome!Therearelaws,36)conventions.It’sjustnotbeingdone!
Jerry:Shh...Joe,thismaybemylastchancetomarryamillionaire!
Joe:Jerry,Jerry,willyoutakemyadvice?Forgetaboutthewholething,willyou?Justkeeptellingyourself:you’reaboy,you’reaboy.
Jerry:I’maboy.
Joe:That’stheboy!
Jerry:OhI’maboy.I’maboy.IwishIweredead!

SCENE6
JoeandJerry’strueidentityisfinallyrevealedbythegangsters,sotheyhavetofleetothepierwhereOsgoodiswaitinginapre-arrangedgetawayboat.Sugarchasesafterthem.Shewantstocomealong,too.

Joe:Youdon’twantme,Sugar.I’maliarandaphony,asaxophoneplayer,oneofthoseno37)goodnick’syoukeeprunningawayfrom.
Sugar:Iknow,everytime.
Joe:Sugar,doyourselfafavor.Gobacktowherethemillionairesare,thesweetendofthe38)lollipop,notthecole39)slawintheface,theoldsocksandthe40)squeezedouttubeoftoothpaste.
Sugar:That’sright,41)pouriton,42)talkmeoutofit.
Osgood:IcalledMama,shewassohappyshecried.Shewantsyoutohaveherweddinggown,it’swhite43)lace.
Jerry:Osgood,Ican’tgetmarriedinyourmother’sdress.SheandI...wearenotbuiltthesameway.
Osgood:Wecanhaveit44)altered.
Jerry:Ohno,youdon’t.Osgood,I’mgonna45)levelwithyou.Wecan’tgetmarriedatall.
Osgood:Whynot?
Jerry:Well,inthefirstplace,I’mnotanatural46)blonde.
Osgood:Doesn’tmatter.
Jerry:Ismoke.Ismokeallthetime.
Osgood:Idon’tcare.
Jerry:Well,I’veaterriblepast.Forthreeyearsnow,I’vebeenlivingwithasaxophoneplayer.
Osgood:Iforgiveyou.
Jerry:Icanneverhavechildren.
Osgood:Wecan47)adoptsome.
Jerry:Youdon’tunderstand,Osgood.I’m...I’maman!
Osgood:Well,nobody’sperfect